| ScottishA few weeks ago there was a small stir of | | | | Bracken feints to the left and then effortlessly |
| excitement in our area, which briefly lit up the gloom | | | | switches direction in mid-stride as Master sprawls into |
| of our northern Scottish winter like the Northern | | | | the rosepatch. And they're our friends.We all know |
| Lights, which are quite visible to us at this latitude. | | | | the human race is notoriously sensitive to criticism, |
| Apparently a man - a Marine, no less - had walked, | | | | and I don't suppose the animal kingdom took us very |
| wearing nothing but a grin and a beard straight out of | | | | seriously before we equipped ourselves with guns, |
| Lord of the Rings, from the south of England into | | | | boots, Landrovers etc. Perhaps a few of the more |
| Scotland, up past Loch Ness and the Highlands where | | | | vulnerable and touchy families got together one day |
| I live, and on to the very northernmost point, John | | | | and decided to head out for colder climes, where it |
| O'Groats - in winter. A Scottish winter, at that. I'm | | | | would be possible to dress up and hide their bony |
| not sure where his starting point was but he must | | | | knees without feeling they were being stared at. I |
| have walked about six hundred miles. Forest Gump | | | | read somewhere that the whole population of |
| would have been impressed. It was either a very | | | | northern Europeans could be traced back to about |
| brave, or foolhardy course of action, depending on | | | | five gene types (genotypes?). If I understand this |
| your point of view but it certainly bought him his | | | | right it means that around five families were |
| fifteen minutes of fame. There he was on TV, being | | | | responsible for the diversity of virtually the whole of |
| carefully filmed from the waist up, the way they | | | | Western culture from Boadicea (Boudicca to Guardian |
| used to film Elvis Presley in the early days."Everyone", | | | | readers) to George Bush. Nepotism on a grand scale. |
| he said, "should be free to follow my example if | | | | So, bearing this true and staggering fact in mind, my |
| they've a mind to". 'Not even as a joke', thought the | | | | theory about our neurotic ancestors could account |
| whole of Scotland, 'and even less in winter' The police | | | | for a lot of things, couldn't it?What do you mean, 'In |
| didn't see the funny side of it either. He was arrested | | | | a pigs eye'? Don't you know people laughed at |
| five or six times and spent several nights in prison | | | | Darwin when he brought out his theory, and they |
| cells, covered by a blanket (the police's idea, not his). | | | | would certainly have done the same to Einstein if |
| I remember scanning the local papers for the headline | | | | they'd understood what he was talking about? |
| 'Man arrested for palely loitering', but it wasn't to be. I | | | | Anyway, if I'm right, my idea throws some light on |
| still think they missed one there." He was certainly | | | | seemingly irrational activities like war, mud wrestling |
| persistant. He finally arrived at his destination and no, | | | | and round-the-world yacht racing. A large claim, you |
| he didn't throw himself off a high point into the North | | | | may say, but consider; those pioneer Europeans who |
| Sea, which some people thought (I won't say hoped) | | | | came trudging all the way from the plains of Africa (I |
| might be the logical end to his journey. As far as I | | | | seem to recall reading in a book by H.G.Wells that |
| know he got dressed, took a train to his hometown | | | | they came from India, but I'll think about that |
| and quietly faded back into obscurity, leaving us with | | | | tomorrow); these hardy pioneers, like so many Pilgrim |
| a memory, like the Cheshire cat's grin. All this was, I | | | | Fathers searching for a new horizon, went to an |
| suppose, to make the point that he had the | | | | awful lot of trouble just to soothe their wounded |
| inalienable right to freeze anytime he had a mind to. | | | | dignity and avoid ridicule. (Remember? They were |
| Well, point taken, but this little saga set me thinking. | | | | laughed out of Africa? - try to keep up, it all |
| Why have we never had our own coat, like other | | | | fits).Now, does any of this seem familiar? You |
| animals? 'But we do', I hear you cry, 'and anyway I'm | | | | betcha. It's the M.O. of just about every politician you |
| not an animal'. Oh yes you most certainly are, | | | | ever heard of. One imagined slight and you have |
| Madam, and besides, I mean the kind of coat you're | | | | shoes banged on conference tables, and sanctions |
| born with."Almost every animal, from a mouse to a | | | | applied at the very least, and at the worst - well, |
| moose has a coat. Ok, elephants don't, and maybe | | | | you know what I'm saying. And there you have it. |
| hippos, but I suppose they have extra thick skin to | | | | These are the same guys who led us out of |
| compensate. No, beyond dispute, we are the only | | | | swampy old Africa in the year dot - give or take a |
| animal that has to keep warm by getting dressed | | | | couple of millennia. Neat theory,eh? Better than the |
| every morning by the fire. The reason we are | | | | string theory. I wonder why nobody ever thought of |
| coatless seems fairly obvious. Didn't we start out | | | | it before? It's a pity though, that it doesn't seem to |
| under the hot sun of Africa, and so had no need of a | | | | have any practical application. I mean, you couldn't |
| natural coat? Hmm... then how about gorillas, who | | | | gather up all our leaders and put them back in the |
| share 98% of our genes? They're pretty hairy, no | | | | African veldt. Could you?As for our friend the intrepid |
| question, so why didn't they shed their coat? You | | | | Marine, who trekked all the way up north in his |
| don't see them prancing about in their bare skin? | | | | birthday suit - he's done Scotland; maybe he should |
| Alright, let's try it from a different angle. Why did we | | | | try Africa next...James Donaldson CollinsJames |
| move out of Africa? I have a theory. Suppose the | | | | Donaldson Collins is an artist and writer. He lives in the |
| other animals started snickering behind their paws as | | | | Scottish Highlands with his wife, daughter and three |
| they watched us tottering around on our spindly | | | | dogs. His paintings of wolves, dogs and other animals |
| legs? Or maybe we just thought we detected a | | | | can be seen on his portraits website. His interests are |
| sardonic look or two. No, really, I'm serious. Anybody | | | | conservation, wolves, dogs, history, science fiction, |
| who's ever played tag with a dog in the garden | | | | chess and snooker. He also tells anyone who will listen |
| knows how clumsy they think we are. Just watch as | | | | that he plays guitar like a ringing a bell. |