| ScottishA few weeks ago there was a small | | | | feints to the left and then effortlessly |
| stir of excitement in our area, which briefly | | | | switches direction in mid-stride as Master |
| lit up the gloom of our northern Scottish | | | | sprawls into the rosepatch. And they're our |
| winter like the Northern Lights, which are | | | | friends.We all know the human race is |
| quite visible to us at this latitude. | | | | notoriously sensitive to criticism, and I |
| Apparently a man - a Marine, no less - had | | | | don't suppose the animal kingdom took us very |
| walked, wearing nothing but a grin and a | | | | seriously before we equipped ourselves with |
| beard straight out of Lord of the Rings, from | | | | guns, boots, Landrovers etc. Perhaps a few of |
| the south of England into Scotland, up past | | | | the more vulnerable and touchy families got |
| Loch Ness and the Highlands where I live, and | | | | together one day and decided to head out for |
| on to the very northernmost point, John | | | | colder climes, where it would be possible to |
| O'Groats - in winter. A Scottish winter, at | | | | dress up and hide their bony knees without |
| that. I'm not sure where his starting point | | | | feeling they were being stared at. I read |
| was but he must have walked about six hundred | | | | somewhere that the whole population of |
| miles. Forest Gump would have been impressed. | | | | northern Europeans could be traced back to |
| It was either a very brave, or foolhardy | | | | about five gene types (genotypes?). If I |
| course of action, depending on your point of | | | | understand this right it means that around |
| view but it certainly bought him his fifteen | | | | five families were responsible for the |
| minutes of fame. There he was on TV, being | | | | diversity of virtually the whole of Western |
| carefully filmed from the waist up, the way | | | | culture from Boadicea (Boudicca to Guardian |
| they used to film Elvis Presley in the early | | | | readers) to George Bush. Nepotism on a grand |
| days."Everyone", he said, "should be free to | | | | scale. So, bearing this true and staggering |
| follow my example if they've a mind to". 'Not | | | | fact in mind, my theory about our neurotic |
| even as a joke', thought the whole of | | | | ancestors could account for a lot of things, |
| Scotland, 'and even less in winter' The | | | | couldn't it?What do you mean, 'In a pigs |
| police didn't see the funny side of it | | | | eye'? Don't you know people laughed at Darwin |
| either. He was arrested five or six times and | | | | when he brought out his theory, and they |
| spent several nights in prison cells, covered | | | | would certainly have done the same to |
| by a blanket (the police's idea, not his). I | | | | Einstein if they'd understood what he was |
| remember scanning the local papers for the | | | | talking about? Anyway, if I'm right, my idea |
| headline 'Man arrested for palely loitering', | | | | throws some light on seemingly irrational |
| but it wasn't to be. I still think they | | | | activities like war, mud wrestling and |
| missed one there." He was certainly | | | | round-the-world yacht racing. A large claim, |
| persistant. He finally arrived at his | | | | you may say, but consider; those pioneer |
| destination and no, he didn't throw himself | | | | Europeans who came trudging all the way from |
| off a high point into the North Sea, which | | | | the plains of Africa (I seem to recall |
| some people thought (I won't say hoped) might | | | | reading in a book by H.G.Wells that they came |
| be the logical end to his journey. As far as | | | | from India, but I'll think about that |
| I know he got dressed, took a train to his | | | | tomorrow); these hardy pioneers, like so many |
| hometown and quietly faded back into | | | | Pilgrim Fathers searching for a new horizon, |
| obscurity, leaving us with a memory, like the | | | | went to an awful lot of trouble just to |
| Cheshire cat's grin. All this was, I suppose, | | | | soothe their wounded dignity and avoid |
| to make the point that he had the inalienable | | | | ridicule. (Remember? They were laughed out of |
| right to freeze anytime he had a mind to. | | | | Africa? - try to keep up, it all fits).Now, |
| Well, point taken, but this little saga set | | | | does any of this seem familiar? You betcha. |
| me thinking. Why have we never had our own | | | | It's the M.O. of just about every politician |
| coat, like other animals? 'But we do', I hear | | | | you ever heard of. One imagined slight and |
| you cry, 'and anyway I'm not an animal'. Oh | | | | you have shoes banged on conference tables, |
| yes you most certainly are, Madam, and | | | | and sanctions applied at the very least, and |
| besides, I mean the kind of coat you're born | | | | at the worst - well, you know what I'm |
| with."Almost every animal, from a mouse to a | | | | saying. And there you have it. These are the |
| moose has a coat. Ok, elephants don't, and | | | | same guys who led us out of swampy old Africa |
| maybe hippos, but I suppose they have extra | | | | in the year dot - give or take a couple of |
| thick skin to compensate. No, beyond dispute, | | | | millennia. Neat theory,eh? Better than the |
| we are the only animal that has to keep warm | | | | string theory. I wonder why nobody ever |
| by getting dressed every morning by the fire. | | | | thought of it before? It's a pity though, |
| The reason we are coatless seems fairly | | | | that it doesn't seem to have any practical |
| obvious. Didn't we start out under the hot | | | | application. I mean, you couldn't gather up |
| sun of Africa, and so had no need of a | | | | all our leaders and put them back in the |
| natural coat? Hmm... then how about gorillas, | | | | African veldt. Could you?As for our friend |
| who share 98% of our genes? They're pretty | | | | the intrepid Marine, who trekked all the way |
| hairy, no question, so why didn't they shed | | | | up north in his birthday suit - he's done |
| their coat? You don't see them prancing about | | | | Scotland; maybe he should try Africa |
| in their bare skin? Alright, let's try it | | | | next...James Donaldson CollinsJames Donaldson |
| from a different angle. Why did we move out | | | | Collins is an artist and writer. He lives in |
| of Africa? I have a theory. Suppose the other | | | | the Scottish Highlands with his wife, |
| animals started snickering behind their paws | | | | daughter and three dogs. His paintings of |
| as they watched us tottering around on our | | | | wolves, dogs and other animals can be seen on |
| spindly legs? Or maybe we just thought we | | | | his portraits website. His interests are |
| detected a sardonic look or two. No, really, | | | | conservation, wolves, dogs, history, science |
| I'm serious. Anybody who's ever played tag | | | | fiction, chess and snooker. He also tells |
| with a dog in the garden knows how clumsy | | | | anyone who will listen that he plays guitar |
| they think we are. Just watch as Bracken | | | | like a ringing a bell. |