| ScottishA few weeks ago there was a small
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| | left and then effortlessly switches
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| stir of excitement in our area, which
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| | direction in mid-stride as Master sprawls
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| briefly lit up the gloom of our northern
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| | into the rosepatch. And they're our
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| Scottish winter like the Northern Lights,
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| | friends.We all know the human race is
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| which are quite visible to us at this
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| | notoriously sensitive to criticism, and I
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| latitude. Apparently a man - a Marine, no
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| | don't suppose the animal kingdom took us
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| less - had walked, wearing nothing but a
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| | very seriously before we equipped
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| grin and a beard straight out of Lord of
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| | ourselves with guns, boots, Landrovers
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| the Rings, from the south of England into
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| | etc. Perhaps a few of the more vulnerable
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| Scotland, up past Loch Ness and the
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| | and touchy families got together one day
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| Highlands where I live, and on to the
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| | and decided to head out for colder
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| very northernmost point, John O'Groats -
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| | climes, where it would be possible to
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| in winter. A Scottish winter, at that.
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| | dress up and hide their bony knees
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| I'm not sure where his starting point was
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| | without feeling they were being stared
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| but he must have walked about six hundred
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| | at. I read somewhere that the whole
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| miles. Forest Gump would have been
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| | population of northern Europeans could be
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| impressed. It was either a very brave, or
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| | traced back to about five gene types
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| foolhardy course of action, depending on
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| | (genotypes?). If I understand this right
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| your point of view but it certainly
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| | it means that around five families were
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| bought him his fifteen minutes of fame.
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| | responsible for the diversity of
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| There he was on TV, being carefully
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| | virtually the whole of Western culture
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| filmed from the waist up, the way they
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| | from Boadicea (Boudicca to Guardian
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| used to film Elvis Presley in the early
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| | readers) to George Bush. Nepotism on a
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| days."Everyone", he said, "should be free
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| | grand scale. So, bearing this true and
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| to follow my example if they've a mind
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| | staggering fact in mind, my theory about
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| to". 'Not even as a joke', thought the
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| | our neurotic ancestors could account for
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| whole of Scotland, 'and even less in
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| | a lot of things, couldn't it?What do you
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| winter' The police didn't see the funny
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| | mean, 'In a pigs eye'? Don't you know
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| side of it either. He was arrested five
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| | people laughed at Darwin when he brought
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| or six times and spent several nights in
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| | out his theory, and they would certainly
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| prison cells, covered by a blanket (the
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| | have done the same to Einstein if they'd
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| police's idea, not his). I remember
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| | understood what he was talking about?
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| scanning the local papers for the
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| | Anyway, if I'm right, my idea throws some
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| headline 'Man arrested for palely
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| | light on seemingly irrational activities
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| loitering', but it wasn't to be. I still
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| | like war, mud wrestling and
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| think they missed one there." He was
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| | round-the-world yacht racing. A large
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| certainly persistant. He finally arrived
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| | claim, you may say, but consider; those
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| at his destination and no, he didn't
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| | pioneer Europeans who came trudging all
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| throw himself off a high point into the
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| | the way from the plains of Africa (I seem
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| North Sea, which some people thought (I
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| | to recall reading in a book by H.G.Wells
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| won't say hoped) might be the logical end
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| | that they came from India, but I'll think
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| to his journey. As far as I know he got
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| | about that tomorrow); these hardy
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| dressed, took a train to his hometown and
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| | pioneers, like so many Pilgrim Fathers
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| quietly faded back into obscurity,
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| | searching for a new horizon, went to an
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| leaving us with a memory, like the
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| | awful lot of trouble just to soothe their
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| Cheshire cat's grin. All this was, I
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| | wounded dignity and avoid ridicule.
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| suppose, to make the point that he had
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| | (Remember? They were laughed out of
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| the inalienable right to freeze anytime
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| | Africa? - try to keep up, it all
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| he had a mind to. Well, point taken, but
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| | fits).Now, does any of this seem
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| this little saga set me thinking. Why
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| | familiar? You betcha. It's the M.O. of
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| have we never had our own coat, like
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| | just about every politician you ever
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| other animals? 'But we do', I hear you
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| | heard of. One imagined slight and you
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| cry, 'and anyway I'm not an animal'. Oh
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| | have shoes banged on conference tables,
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| yes you most certainly are, Madam, and
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| | and sanctions applied at the very least,
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| besides, I mean the kind of coat you're
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| | and at the worst - well, you know what
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| born with."Almost every animal, from a
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| | I'm saying. And there you have it. These
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| mouse to a moose has a coat. Ok,
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| | are the same guys who led us out of
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| elephants don't, and maybe hippos, but I
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| | swampy old Africa in the year dot - give
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| suppose they have extra thick skin to
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| | or take a couple of millennia. Neat
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| compensate. No, beyond dispute, we are
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| | theory,eh? Better than the string theory.
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| the only animal that has to keep warm by
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| | I wonder why nobody ever thought of it
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| getting dressed every morning by the
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| | before? It's a pity though, that it
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| fire. The reason we are coatless seems
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| | doesn't seem to have any practical
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| fairly obvious. Didn't we start out under
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| | application. I mean, you couldn't gather
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| the hot sun of Africa, and so had no need
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| | up all our leaders and put them back in
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| of a natural coat? Hmm... then how about
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| | the African veldt. Could you?As for our
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| gorillas, who share 98% of our genes?
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| | friend the intrepid Marine, who trekked
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| They're pretty hairy, no question, so why
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| | all the way up north in his birthday suit
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| didn't they shed their coat? You don't
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| | - he's done Scotland; maybe he should try
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| see them prancing about in their bare
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| | Africa next...James Donaldson
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| skin? Alright, let's try it from a
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| | CollinsJames Donaldson Collins is an
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| different angle. Why did we move out of
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| | artist and writer. He lives in the
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| Africa? I have a theory. Suppose the
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| | Scottish Highlands with his wife,
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| other animals started snickering behind
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| | daughter and three dogs. His paintings of
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| their paws as they watched us tottering
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| | wolves, dogs and other animals can be
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| around on our spindly legs? Or maybe we
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| | seen on his portraits website. His
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| just thought we detected a sardonic look
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| | interests are conservation, wolves, dogs,
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| or two. No, really, I'm serious. Anybody
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| | history, science fiction, chess and
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| who's ever played tag with a dog in the
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| | snooker. He also tells anyone who will
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| garden knows how clumsy they think we
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| | listen that he plays guitar like a
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| are. Just watch as Bracken feints to the
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| | ringing a bell.
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