| "I can't stand anymore chicken!" a vacationing guest, | | | | those lifeboats!" |
| who seemed a bit tipsy, shouted at the captain of | | | | Worse yet, now the rest of the crew emerged from |
| the cruise ship, and then leaped overboard. | | | | below. They all made their way toward him. |
| The captain rushed to the railing and peered into the | | | | "What are you doing?" he asked. "We've got |
| heaving waves. There bobbed his malcontent | | | | passengers drowning down there!" |
| passenger. | | | | "I don't know, captain," the first mate replied. "We've |
| Recently, there had been an inexplicable spate of | | | | been talking." |
| vacationers aboard cruise ships choosing to jump ship. | | | | "You what?" the captain inquired. |
| Now, one of his passengers had chosen to go over | | | | "Me and the crew, and we decided having one |
| the edge. | | | | passenger jump ship is bad enough - but all of them?" |
| A shot of adrenalin made his heart thump, and he | | | | "No way we can save them all," a crew member |
| turned, saw the first mate, and called, "Passenger | | | | volunteered. |
| overboard! Life boat! Man the life boats! Alert the | | | | "And even if we rescue most of them," another |
| Coast Guard! We need assistance!" | | | | crew member lamented, "what future do we have?" |
| Just then the wife of the man who just jumped ship | | | | "We're finished," the first mate sighed. |
| threw her arms up, and yelled, "Count me out, too!" | | | | "Disgraced!" a crew member put in. |
| "Why?" Captain Walsh demanded. | | | | "We could even go to jail," the first mate advised |
| As she dashed for the railing, she took a moment to | | | | him. |
| inform him, "Even the spaghetti is inedible!" | | | | "Maybe the passengers have the right idea," another |
| Then over she went. | | | | crew member conceded. "Can you believe how bad |
| Walsh watched her spin toward the water and splash | | | | the comedian was last night? Not one good joke!" |
| down near her water-treading husband. | | | | "And what about the singer?" another crew member |
| "Dear me," he lamented, and turned to his curiously | | | | asked. "I can't stand the way she screeches on |
| desultory first mate, "Make that two lifeboats!" | | | | every high note." |
| Then he steeled himself for his greatest challenge. All | | | | "Excuse us, sir," the mate told the captain, "but I |
| the passengers had now gathered on the deck and | | | | think we've pretty much made up our minds." Then |
| appeared unsettlingly malcontent. The insane thought | | | | he turned to the crew. "Shall we?" |
| passed through his mind that they might opt for | | | | "What else?" one replied. |
| going overboard en masse. | | | | And then, to the captain's dismay, they all jumped |
| Then he noticed telltale signs that his worst | | | | ship. He followed their decent. Then there they all |
| nightmare could come true. For instance, a few | | | | were, splashing in the ocean among the passengers. |
| especially irate guests were brandishing hastily | | | | Now he heard steps behind him and turned. The |
| scrawled signs, saying such things as, "Better | | | | entertainers were hurrying toward him. |
| Entertainment Now!" "Freedom From Bingo!" and | | | | "What's going on?" the comedian asked. |
| "Clean The Pool!" | | | | "Everybody jumped ship," the captain told them, |
| "Now, see here," the captain said, "I know you're all | | | | pointing over the rail. |
| not thrilled with every aspect of the cruise, but | | | | The troupe of entertainers rushed to the rail and |
| surely there are some enjoyable things." | | | | looked down. |
| "Name one!" a disgruntled passenger challenged him. | | | | "Why would they do that?" the singer with the |
| "Well, how about the port calls?" he asked weakly. | | | | screechy voice asked. |
| "And all the wonderful shopping opportunities?" | | | | "They seem to have had a variety of reasons." |
| "Robbery in every port!" a man let out. "Disguised as | | | | "Not the entertainment?" a faux-Hawaiian dancer |
| sale prices!" | | | | asked. |
| "You think this seashell necklace is worth a thousand | | | | "I'm afraid it played a role," the captain admitted. |
| dollars?" a particularly irate female shopper said, | | | | "You've got to be kidding," the ventriloquist replied. |
| holding up the stringed bauble. | | | | "Once this gets out, we'll never work another cruise!" |
| "To the rails!' another man yelled. | | | | a male singer said, distraught. |
| "We're off of here!" a woman exclaimed. | | | | "Let's face it. Our careers are kaput," another dancer |
| Then the entire group, every last passenger currently | | | | sighed. |
| still aboard the ship, as far as the captain could tell, | | | | "What are we going to do - just stand here?" the |
| made a move for the rail. | | | | comedian wanted to know. |
| "Stop! I order you to stay on board!" Walsh | | | | "As I see it, the right thing to do is join our |
| commanded, and placed his body between the rail | | | | audience," the ventriloquist concluded. |
| and the ocean-bound passengers. | | | | "Hold it," the captain said, grabbing the ventriloquist |
| "Stand aside!" a rather brawny traveler in Bermudas | | | | by the shirt. "You can't be serious?" |
| shouted, waving a threatening ping-pong paddle. | | | | "Don't worry," he said, and held up his dummy. |
| "No more watered-down mixed drinks for me!" | | | | "Herman floats." |
| another man screamed. | | | | "Got a better idea, captain?" the comedian asked. |
| "Or slot machines where everybody loses!" a woman | | | | "You want to live to explain this to management?" |
| chimed in. | | | | the Hawaiian dancer said. |
| Then the sea of passengers pressed forward, and | | | | "Maybe you've got something there," Captain Walsh |
| Captain Walsh found himself being helplessly twirled | | | | admitted. "Yes, by golly, I think you do. But, as the |
| aside by one pair of rail-bent hands after another. | | | | captain, I insist on being the last to abandon ship." |
| Then, to his shock, he watched helplessly as every | | | | "Spoken like a true captain," the comedian assured |
| single guest leap off the boat. | | | | him, and turned to the rest. "Ready, team?" |
| "How we gonna explain this to headquarters!" the | | | | "Ready!" the ventriloquist said, and his dummy |
| first mate called from the lifeboats, which he and a | | | | Herman added, "Famous last words!" |
| gaggle of other crew members were attempting to | | | | And so, as the captain stood by, all the entertainers |
| activate. | | | | leaped bravely overboard. |
| The alarmed captain peered down at all the guests, | | | | Walsh watched them plummet into the crowded sea. |
| splashing in the waves, and then looked back at the | | | | "Oh, well," he told himself, "it's been a good career, |
| first mate. "Quick - the lifeboats! We've got to save | | | | until now." Then he called, "Anybody left on board?" |
| everyone or we'll be finished - washed up, forever!" | | | | Not a single voice interrupted the ocean breeze. |
| Just then the ship's chef and his staff appeared on | | | | "Then it's over the side for me!" he called, and looked |
| the deck and hurried toward the captain. "Is it true? | | | | at the crowded sea in search of an unoccupied area. |
| All the passengers?" the chef asked, and peered | | | | And over he went. |
| over the rail. | | | | Down he fell, toward the tossing passengers, crew, |
| "Every last one of them!" the captain wailed. | | | | chef with the kitchen staff, and entertainers. He |
| "It couldn't be the food?" the chef wanted to know. | | | | managed to splash into the water, instead of landing |
| "Could it?" the sous chef queried. | | | | on top of any of the former occupants of his ship, |
| "I have to be honest. Some did mention that." | | | | and sank beneath the waves. |
| "I feel terrible about this," the chef sighed. "My | | | | When he bobbed back up, he awoke, wet with |
| cooking days are over." | | | | sweat, and found himself doing the breaststroke on |
| Then he motioned to his staff, and they all made for | | | | his mattress. |
| the rail. | | | | What a nightmare! he thought. |
| "Hold it!" the captain said. "Not you and the kitchen | | | | And he resolved to speak to management. |
| crew, too?" | | | | Obviously, there were things about life on cruise ships |
| "The least we can do is join them!" returned the chef. | | | | that could be improved, and he vowed to be the |
| Then, with a flourish, he added, "If only I had better | | | | champion of change. |
| ingredients!" | | | | Just to make sure all was well, he got out of bed |
| And over the rail he and his fellow denizens of the | | | | and opened a port. He saw a young couple, leaning |
| kitchen went. | | | | against the railing. They seemed to be in a romantic |
| "Chef and staff overboard!" the captain called. | | | | mood and not at all likely to jump overboard. He |
| Then, to his dismay, the first mate and the crew | | | | smiled, closed the port, and went back to bed. |
| members who were helping to launch the lifeboats | | | | It felt especially good to know he still had his |
| stopped their vital work and climbed down to the | | | | passengers on board, along with his crew, kitchen |
| deck. | | | | staff, and, no doubt, his troupe of gifted entertainers. |
| "What are you doing?" Captain Walsh called. "Man | | | | |