| "Life is short and full of blisters," sighed the elderly | | | | down to the levee to watch the goings on.Dad |
| southern gentlemen as we exchanged confidences | | | | always took along a plug of chewing tobacco to pass |
| about our various problems.That seemed to sum up | | | | around and loosen the tongues of the old-timers. It |
| our mutual outlook on the vagaries of human | | | | didn't take much. I got to keep the little, tin, brand |
| existence, so we shook hands and went our | | | | tags on the plugs - such as "Tin Star," "Red Coon," |
| separate ways.That succinct sentence has returned | | | | and "Bull of the Woods." They were prized |
| to memory often since I first heard it several years | | | | collectibles."You boys remember any of the old |
| ago - partly because of its homey philosophy, but | | | | brags?" Dad would say, as he stuffed in a chaw of |
| mostly because it is a draught of cool water to this | | | | terbakker. Then I snapped to attention. One brag I |
| writer who has wandered long in a language desert | | | | remember went something like this:"I'm half horse, |
| searching for oasises.I have come to realize that the | | | | half alligator, with a little touch of snapping turtle, |
| colorful language of my youth in the South has nearly | | | | clumb a streak of lightning, slid down a locust tree a |
| disappeared from the American scene. We speak in | | | | hundred feet high, with a wildcat under each arm, |
| precise phrases, short sentences, business-like | | | | and never got a scratch. Whoopee-yip-ho!"I come to |
| declarations. Efficient, but drab.When I was growing | | | | this country riding a catamount, whipping him over |
| up "down home" it was common for folks to sprinkle | | | | the head with a forty-five and picking my teeth with |
| their conversation with colloquialisms. "Shoveling | | | | a rattlesnake, using a cactus for a piller. Whe-e-e! I'm |
| smoke," or "Money thinks I'm dead," or "A day late, | | | | a two-gun cuss and a very bad man, and it won't do |
| and a dollar short," or "If they put your brains in a | | | | to monkey with me. Whoopee! "I was raised in the |
| jaybird, it'd fly backwards."What we need are more | | | | backwoods, suckled by a grizzly bear, got nine rows |
| inventive talkers - like my Uncle Hooky Brown. He | | | | of jaw teeth and holes punched for more, a double |
| appreciated the fine points of discourse.Hooky dearly | | | | coat of hair, steel ribs, boiler tube intestines, a barbed |
| loved clerking in the general store at Bradford, | | | | wire tail, and I don't give a damn where I drag it. |
| Tennessee. He built up a big trade because he was | | | | Whoopee-wee-a-ha!"* * *Frontiersmen took great |
| the best entertainment that side of the Mississippi.At | | | | pride in their personal yells, or brags, elaborating on |
| the conclusion of each sale, while sacking items | | | | them through the years. Generally they were given |
| purchased, he rattled off - in one breath -- a long list | | | | preliminary to good-natured "tussling" or |
| of improbable commodities the customer might have | | | | roughhousing.Brags also were a way of announcing |
| forgotten to order. It was a symphony of dialog in a | | | | their presence at a strange saloon where they |
| minute waltz:"Thank you kindly, Miz Boone, and will | | | | wanted to make friends quickly. A creative brag |
| there be anything else | | | | usually was rewarded with a free beer.A bar room |
| ckeyedpeasprunessealingwax | | | | sally went something like this:"Hey, look at me! I'm |
| ishfurniturepolishsilverpolish | | | | the genuine article, a real double-acting engine. I'm a |
| intstickcheeseclothneedles | | | | hard customer that can lick any man here. If you |
| flowerseedssidemeatbuckshot or button hooks?" The | | | | don't believe it, step up and try me. I can out-run, |
| spiel varied - depending on the customer's sense of | | | | out-jump, out-swim, chaw more tabaccy and spit |
| humor. It was fun to try and figure out what he was | | | | less, drink more whiskey and keep soberer, than any |
| trying to get you to buy. You figure it out.Once in | | | | man in these localities. Come out some of you and |
| awhile he would get caught by his tomfoolery. A sly | | | | die decently, for I'm spieling fer a fight."* * *The best |
| customer would reply, "Why, yes, now that you | | | | roarers were river men who drifted up and down the |
| mention it. I'll have a dozen corset stays.""Yes, Mam," | | | | Mississippi without calling any place home until they |
| Hooky would say without hesitation. "We're fresh out | | | | got too old to haul a hawser. Once I heard this |
| just this morning. I'll have a box of them for you | | | | magnificent boast at the Caruthersville |
| tomorrow. Would you care to make a ten-dollar | | | | levee:"Yah-hoo! I'm the old original iron-jawed, |
| deposit?"* * *Salty talkers in the olden days | | | | brass-mounted, copper-bellied corpse-maker from the |
| abounded everywhere. Hey-day of "rip-tail roarers" | | | | wilds of Arkansaw. They call be Sudden Death and |
| had nearly vanished in my childhood as regular fare. | | | | General Desolation. "Sired by a hurricane. Damn'd by |
| Nonetheless, we kids in small, southern towns could | | | | an earthquake. Half-brother to the cholera. Nearly |
| still coax old-timers to recite the brags and yells they | | | | related to the small pox on my mother's side. "Look |
| learned as young ranch hands, lumberjacks or | | | | at me! I take nineteen alligators and a bar'l of |
| riverboat stevedores.Roars once were the fashion | | | | whiskey for breakfast when I'm in robust health, and |
| among rough, hardworking men. They made a dent in | | | | a bushel of rattlesnakes and a dead body when I'm |
| my youthful memory.When I was nine, at | | | | ailing. I split the everlasting rocks with my glance, and |
| Caruthersville, Missouri, my father would take me to | | | | I squench the thunder when I speak. Whoo-op!"Stand |
| the levee at the foot of Main Street to watch the | | | | back and give me room according to my strength. |
| Mississippi cotton boats tie up for cotton bales.When | | | | Blood's my natural drink, and the wails of the dying is |
| there was loading, the good old boys -- who usually | | | | music to my ears. Cast your eyes on me, gentlemen. |
| whiled away the time around the courthouse -- came | | | | |