| Scottish | | | | we just thought we detected a sardonic look or two. |
| A few weeks ago there was a small stir of | | | | No, really, I'm serious. Anybody who's ever played |
| excitement in our area, which briefly lit up the gloom | | | | tag with a dog in the garden knows how clumsy |
| of our northern Scottish winter like the Northern | | | | they think we are. Just watch as Bracken feints to |
| Lights, which are quite visible to us at this latitude. | | | | the left and then effortlessly switches direction in |
| Apparently a man - a Marine, no less - had walked, | | | | mid-stride as Master sprawls into the rosepatch. And |
| wearing nothing but a grin and a beard straight out of | | | | they're our friends. |
| Lord of the Rings, from the south of England into | | | | We all know the human race is notoriously sensitive |
| Scotland, up past Loch Ness and the Highlands where | | | | to criticism, and I don't suppose the animal kingdom |
| I live, and on to the very northernmost point, John | | | | took us very seriously before we equipped ourselves |
| O'Groats - in winter. A Scottish winter, at that. I'm | | | | with guns, boots, Landrovers etc. Perhaps a few of |
| not sure where his starting point was but he must | | | | the more vulnerable and touchy families got together |
| have walked about six hundred miles. Forest Gump | | | | one day and decided to head out for colder climes, |
| would have been impressed. It was either a very | | | | where it would be possible to dress up and hide their |
| brave, or foolhardy course of action, depending on | | | | bony knees without feeling they were being stared |
| your point of view but it certainly bought him his | | | | at. I read somewhere that the whole population of |
| fifteen minutes of fame. There he was on TV, being | | | | northern Europeans could be traced back to about |
| carefully filmed from the waist up, the way they | | | | five gene types (genotypes?). If I understand this |
| used to film Elvis Presley in the early days. | | | | right it means that around five families were |
| "Everyone", he said, "should be free to follow my | | | | responsible for the diversity of virtually the whole of |
| example if they've a mind to". 'Not even as a joke', | | | | Western culture from Boadicea (Boudicca to Guardian |
| thought the whole of Scotland, 'and even less in | | | | readers) to George Bush. Nepotism on a grand scale. |
| winter' The police didn't see the funny side of it | | | | So, bearing this true and staggering fact in mind, my |
| either. He was arrested five or six times and spent | | | | theory about our neurotic ancestors could account |
| several nights in prison cells, covered by a blanket | | | | for a lot of things, couldn't it? |
| (the police's idea, not his). I remember scanning the | | | | What do you mean, 'In a pigs eye'? Don't you know |
| local papers for the headline 'Man arrested for palely | | | | people laughed at Darwin when he brought out his |
| loitering', but it wasn't to be. I still think they missed | | | | theory, and they would certainly have done the |
| one there. | | | | same to Einstein if they'd understood what he was |
| " He was certainly persistant. He finally arrived at his | | | | talking about? Anyway, if I'm right, my idea throws |
| destination and no, he didn't throw himself off a high | | | | some light on seemingly irrational activities like war, |
| point into the North Sea, which some people thought | | | | mud wrestling and round-the-world yacht racing. A |
| (I won't say hoped) might be the logical end to his | | | | large claim, you may say, but consider; those pioneer |
| journey. As far as I know he got dressed, took a | | | | Europeans who came trudging all the way from the |
| train to his hometown and quietly faded back into | | | | plains of Africa (I seem to recall reading in a book by |
| obscurity, leaving us with a memory, like the Cheshire | | | | H.G.Wells that they came from India, but I'll think |
| cat's grin. All this was, I suppose, to make the point | | | | about that tomorrow); these hardy pioneers, like so |
| that he had the inalienable right to freeze anytime he | | | | many Pilgrim Fathers searching for a new horizon, |
| had a mind to. Well, point taken, but this little saga | | | | went to an awful lot of trouble just to soothe their |
| set me thinking. Why have we never had our own | | | | wounded dignity and avoid ridicule. (Remember? They |
| coat, like other animals? 'But we do', I hear you cry, | | | | were laughed out of Africa? - try to keep up, it all |
| 'and anyway I'm not an animal'. Oh yes you most | | | | fits). |
| certainly are, Madam, and besides, I mean the kind of | | | | Now, does any of this seem familiar? You betcha. It's |
| coat you're born with. | | | | the M.O. of just about every politician you ever heard |
| "Almost every animal, from a mouse to a moose has | | | | of. One imagined slight and you have shoes banged |
| a coat. Ok, elephants don't, and maybe hippos, but I | | | | on conference tables, and sanctions applied at the |
| suppose they have extra thick skin to compensate. | | | | very least, and at the worst - well, you know what |
| No, beyond dispute, we are the only animal that has | | | | I'm saying. And there you have it. These are the |
| to keep warm by getting dressed every morning by | | | | same guys who led us out of swampy old Africa in |
| the fire. The reason we are coatless seems fairly | | | | the year dot - give or take a couple of millennia. Neat |
| obvious. Didn't we start out under the hot sun of | | | | theory,eh? Better than the string theory. I wonder |
| Africa, and so had no need of a natural coat? Hmm... | | | | why nobody ever thought of it before? It's a pity |
| then how about gorillas, who share 98% of our | | | | though, that it doesn't seem to have any practical |
| genes? They're pretty hairy, no question, so why | | | | application. I mean, you couldn't gather up all our |
| didn't they shed their coat? You don't see them | | | | leaders and put them back in the African veldt. Could |
| prancing about in their bare skin? Alright, let's try it | | | | you? |
| from a different angle. Why did we move out of | | | | As for our friend the intrepid Marine, who trekked all |
| Africa? I have a theory. Suppose the other animals | | | | the way up north in his birthday suit - he's done |
| started snickering behind their paws as they watched | | | | Scotland; maybe he should try Africa next... |
| us tottering around on our spindly legs? Or maybe | | | | |